i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
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The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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