I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
