she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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