Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
