Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
