Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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