Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
