I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
