Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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