You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
