her vagine was all disorganized.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
