Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the day after is always just damage control
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
