I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
