My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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