I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
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Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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