Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
