i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
