Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
