I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
