you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
