the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
