You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
