I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
should my penis look like a turkey
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
