marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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