I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I could fuck to npr.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
