Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
