apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
