dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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