Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
