lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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