ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
