I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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