I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect