Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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