I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
