I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
