She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
