I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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