Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
