Four minutes until I can fart!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
