Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
