This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
