there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
