It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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