woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
