Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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