Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
