I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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