Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
