if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I miss vodka workout Fridays
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
