nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
