The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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