Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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