Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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