Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Can I color on your dick again?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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