YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
