Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
