my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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