My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
