Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
